Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
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Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
why isn’t he texting back
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Not today. 😅
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
O Wise One….
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.