shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
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So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I never needed anything more in my life
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Love thy neighbor’s dog
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”