8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
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No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Awesome parenting 😂
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs