If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
#Thanos #MondayMood
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No