*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
A choir of Spring onions
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.