Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
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Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
work smarter, not harder
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Need WebMD
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink