No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.