Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
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Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Social distancing in Australia:
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox