[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
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Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.