I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
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How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
dogs can find happiness so easily
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Only a mother’s love …
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today