Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
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some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”