The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
How about daylight saves us for once
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?