I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
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Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
jesus christ confetti not now
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.