[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
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I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.