It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
You Might Also Like
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Sharon I have some bad news
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”