BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
You Might Also Like
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.