I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
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Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
The honesty is refreshing
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
My Guy
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote