Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
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Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON