*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
You Might Also Like
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.