godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.