God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
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Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed