Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
You Might Also Like
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
“Wait, let me explain..”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”