detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Mhm.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”