If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
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We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
a lot to unpack here
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.