In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
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People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.