so much to do
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My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Expect the unexporcupine.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.