If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.