Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?