“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
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My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?