Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
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Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
finally
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Can’t, holding a grudge
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…