daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
You Might Also Like
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume