Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.