I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
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It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
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Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.