Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
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It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins