Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
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My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.