Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
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[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”