I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
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Me sliding into hell like
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
doing some research
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.