I wish this was real life…
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when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.