Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.