I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
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I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Confused owl: What?!
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder