“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
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Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
12653.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
he was correct