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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT