I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments