Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
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Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.