Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
You Might Also Like
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.