Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
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date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Close call…
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird