Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Barbie gone wild
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood