I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Worth the read.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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H A S J P O D I E D G W
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”