The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
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Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
…..pretty much.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
calling in to work dehydrated
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH