Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
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I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Interior design 👌
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
What flavor cupcake are these
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.